The Procrastinating Bug and Keeping a Word Count pt 2

How bad is my procrastination bug? I didn’t even want to write this post. I procrastinated writing about my procrastination, that’s how bad things have gotten. This post took three days to write. Initially, I wasn’t even planning to write this post. I figured I go straight to my to-do list but seeing as I’m pretty much procrastinating that as well, this is baby steps to my to-do list. A little confession hour. Just being transparent in this postgraduate journey.

I’m a little confused by my procrastination. Things are going pretty swell. Better than it has been since last year or even a few months back. I have the full support of my SV, she even gave me a deadline extension for my first chapter without any qualms. I have all my points planned out on paper and in my head. I have the reading material to read. And yet, I just couldn’t bring myself to write anything. I would stare at the computer screen for hours with all the pieces ready for me and I refuse to do anything further. What am I waiting for exactly? Inspiration? To get over my nerves?

I think it’s just daunting. When you want something so bad that when you are close to getting it, it almost spazzes your entire system and you’re not entirely sure how to handle it. I suppose it’s one form of self-sabotaging? Do other postgraduate students experience this?? I think I have such high hopes in this thesis that it feels like an insurmountable obstacle, this expectation of perfection. But the truth is I know it won’t be perfect. That rewrites are somewhat expected. And yet!! I didn’t even have to do any rewrites for my first draft. I just have to add more points. Points that I already know and have.

I’m kinda scratching my head at the weird little maze I’m building for myself in my head. Also, I’ve been too cocky. Lol. I’ve been telling people that things are going stellar, that I’m already putting the dots into place. That things are moving forward. However, strangely enough I forgot that the person steering this ship is still ME. It needs me to move forward ahead still. Perhaps I was hoping that the “high” that I got from the greenlight would sail me through and turns out, it’s not enough. To be fair, Ramadhan pretty much put a damper to my “high”. A whole month where I’m hungry and tired? Every time I read an article journal, I had to take a nap after four pages. A month wasted and the progress in my thesis moved in inches. So now, I’m a bit of a mess, mentally and emotionally. Fear and panic are also not the best motivators. Also, did I ever tell you how easily distracted I am? It takes seconds for my lizard brain to suddenly derail itself and boy, do I have all the desire to be distracted rather than face the current situation.

I also feel that, before this, my journey doing my thesis is wholly negative that any work done is positive. But because things have suddenly gone uphill, any form of faltering feels like a step back and pushes my perfectionist mind into some kind of panic mode.

Everything will be fine.

Okay, so now I’m keeping a word count and deadline goal. I will stick with it this time.

My goal is to write at least 5,000 new words, that is if I’m not editing the already written first draft (which I’m sure I will) by 24th July. That is 13 days starting today. So I only need to write at least 400 words per day. This is totally doable! WHY AM I BEING CHICKEN ABOUT THIS. I CAN TOTALLY DO THIS. I’ve already written 400 words so technically I have less than 5000 words to go. I know that, in the end, the quality of the words matter more than the quantity but it is important for me to keep track of GROWTH rather than just mindlessly editing and re-editing the words. I know myself, I will not stop tweaking until it feels perfect. I need to have realistic goals, achieve them and move on. I can do this.

WORD COUNT: 413 words

 

 

I have ploughed, and planted, and gathered into barns and no man could head me! And ain’t I a woman? I could work as much and eat as much as a man – when I could get it – and bear the lash as well! And ain’t I a woman? I have borne thirteen children and seen them most all sold off to slavery, and when I cried out with my mother’s grief, none but Jesus heard me! And ain’t I a woman?

Sojourner Truth, “Ain’t I a Woman” speech during a women’s convention in Akron, Ohio, in 1851. Quoted in Angela Y Davis’s Women, Race and Class (61).

The bold part jumped out at me and I think I could slot the quote in Chapter 3? My Chapter 3 is an idea still but I can definitely see how it fits into that giant puzzle. Need to remind myself of this.